How to Move to New York City

So you want to move to New York City! Your vagabond shoes are longing to stray to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of– the greatest city in the world? Queue up that Frank Sinatra/Jay-Z/Lin-Manuel Miranda playlist and let’s get you here.

  1. Start telling everyone you’re moving to Manhattan. Jump right into this. Speak it into reality. Most people will assume you are moving to Manhattan, Kansas.
  2. Schedule a tour of your local sewage facilities. There’s no better way to begin acclimating to life in NYC than to get yourself used to the acrid pungency of human excrement. Hey, everybody poops. Some people do it in public.
  3. To be successful in New York, you need to master the art of looking professional in sticky heat. Wear your work clothes into a sauna. Practice delivering an important presentation with your outfit plastered to your skin. Nailed it!
  4. Begin Rat Desensitization. Shrieking at rats is the fastest way to out yourself as a non-native. Attempt to watch the documentary Rats based on the excellent book of the same name.
  5. To prepare for the Chilly Months, put on your puffiest coat, fill two large bags with various books, electronics, and food items, then attempt to walk down several sets of stairs, through a narrow turnstile, and into an extremely crowded room in your most slippery pair of socks. This will simulate the experience of getting on a train on any given Winter workday.
  6. Recruit some of your friends to yell unexpected obscenities at you. Attempt to perfect your best, “I have cotton in my ears and love in my heart” face. Do not engage.
  7. Think about your finances, because it’s all fun and games until you realize living here is unfathomably, ludicrously, untenably expensive.

You’re probably ready to do this!

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