Hi, it’s me Marcy the dog! Honestly, I’m offended that I haven’t been invited to write a post before now, but there’s simply no time like the present. Speaking of presents, I like to get them. Sometimes I get giant boxes full of food and treats shipped right to my door! But then my parents put them away and only let me have a little at a time. It’s very rude. So sometimes I have to give myself presents. Socks are my favorite! I am very sneaky and talented at snagging them from the laundry.
Much like my hero Beyonce, I am from Texas and now I live in New York City. It’s different, but I like all the squirrels and rats I see in Central Park. One day, I hope to catch one and give it a real good shake, but my parents always tell me to “leave it” when I try. My friend Rosie the dog out in Colorado snatched a bird right out of the sky once, so I know it can be done and I’m not giving up yet.
My parents are pretty good at being parents, but that’s not saying much because it’s obvious that I am a blessing and a joy and an angel, so it’s not like they have to do much. Once, my dad gave my mom flowers and while they were out, I very gently bit the heads off all the roses and scattered the petals around the house. How romantic am I?! My mom says I am the canine version of the smirking imp emoji 😈 but I don’t really text so I don’t know what that means.
Anyway, it’s nice to have parents now. I had people in Texas, but they ditched me. I was fine living on the streets, but then I got collared by the Feds. They put me behind bars and then into a prison van, and next thing you know, I’m on an island called New York!
The first time I laid eyes on my new dad, whew. It was like that feeling when you see a squirrel across the field and your eyes zoom in all super fast and focused and all you care about is chasing it up a tree. A modern woman needs to be assertive, so I sat right down in his lap and asked if he would please take me away from those rotten Feds and free me from life on the chain gang once and for all. And he did! I love him so much. My mom is pretty cool, too, but my dad. Oh, my dad. He is handsome and fun and plays with me and sneaks me treats even when Mom says I’ve had enough.
Something weird happened this week, though. My dad said he had to take a “business trip” which is related to “working” which is the lousy excuse my parents give for not hanging out with me 24/7. I wouldn’t necessarily say I have Daddy Issues, but it is true that my human dad is the only one I’ve ever had. I don’t know anything about my dog dad. Was he a labrador? Or maybe a border collie? Was he a crime boss running the streets of Dallas? That would explain why the Feds got me. Crimes of the father, am I right? If those dog snatchers ever catch my dog dad, I’d like a turn in the interrogation room. I want answers. Like, why didn’t he stick around to raise me? Okay, maybe I have a few Daddy Issues. Can you really blame me if I thought the alleged “business trip” was an excuse for my new dad to ditch me just like my dog dad did?
The first day, I was moody and started scheming. I ate half a roll of toilet paper and a foam roller and my mother’s hairbrush. That was the start of my crimes, but honestly I thought that I could convince Dad that Mom was the chewing culprit, and then he’d invite me to sleep on the big bed while she slept on the couch and I’d finally be the #1 girl in the family. Except Dad didn’t come back that night, so I had to take responsibility for my actions. Mom let me sleep on the big bed anyway, though.
Day 2 without Dad is when I really lost it. One day, I can forgive. But 2? Leaving Marcy for 2 days is unconscionable. I hate to admit it, but my criminal past came raging out. My best human friend Mikaela comes to visit me every day for a walk and play time while my parents are “working” and I really am sorry I got her mixed up in my crime spree. Then again, I might have gotten away with it if she hadn’t tattled!
You see, when Mikaela came in and said hi to me, she turned her back while the door was still closing, and I jumped into action. I only had half a second, but I slipped right out the door when my best human friend wasn’t looking! As I’ve said, I am very sneaky and talented. I knew I didn’t have much time, but the elevator was still open from when Mikaela got off, so my big adventure was practically fated. That’s right, I charged onto the elevator and went on a joyride! It was amazing. I mean, talk about a thrill. I made it to the lobby and that’s when I learned that my other best human friend Adam has been holding out on me. He is always very calm and professional, but it turns out he can run and play and yell! I did not even know that! We were having so much fun, zooming all around together. A lady came up to the front door and Adam yelled, “NO!” but I yelled, “YES!” and she opened that door right up. I zoomed outside!
Everyone was looking at me and yelling, which was very fun and made me feel like a glamorous celebrity. Except then I saw my friend Adam and he looked very scared. I think he is nervous about running the streets, but I’m a very accomplished teacher so I would have showed him the ropes. I felt kind of bad for his nerves though, so I went back and let him know we could keep on zooming in the lobby together. Except when I got back to the lobby, my best friend Mikaela was there and everyone was doing crying and yelling and nobody wanted to zoom with me anymore.
My mother says I have committed an act of, “Grand Theft Elevator” and that it is not nice to be a sneak and scare our friends and endanger our own lives. I felt a little bad, but then she said, “Wait until your father hears about this.” So then I knew Dad was coming home after all! Right now I’m working on a cover story to somehow pin this all on Mom and get myself a permanent invitation to the big bed.